While in the village of Kalonnde, Malawi, we met Rafisha and her sister Catherine. Rafisha lives with her daughter in a small two-bedroomed self-built home, and has no husband or man to support her. Outside were rabbits, chickens, a small papaya tree. Her ‘kitchen’ had a small self-made brick-cooker on the floor with a tiny bundle of beans and corn tied to the roof getting smoke dried - to keep them safe from the insects and pests until the planting season arrived. In her simply furnished home, there was a reed mat covered in drying zima maize meal (the staple food in Malawi).
Spending time with these two women who welcomed me so willingly into their home, somehow communicating without a common language to lean on, what struck me most was the sense of resilience, pride and independence these ‘poor’ people have and the care she had placed on the few things she owned.
This week, the heightened awareness around the extreme violence against women in South Africa, by men, has opened up a churning of thought provoking discussions and some really heartbreaking stories. The statistics are terrifying:
The Crime Against Women in South Africa Report by Statistics SA shows that femicide (the murder of women on the basis of their gender) is 5 times higher than the global average. This means that in South Africa, women are 5 times more likely to be killed due to gender-based violence committed by men. This issue is so pervasive within South African society that 41% of people raped are children and only one in nine rape cases are reported. Of those reported, only 4% result in prosecution.
When I think back to Rafisha and Catherine, and our two lovely young translators - Lungusa and Tamali - there was such as sense of togetherness and community. A togetherness which felt like a deep, quiet, steady presence. A knowing that they are there with and for each other. Women held together in their hoeing of the fields, pumping water from a borehole, sifting maize with hands that know the earth.
“I wonder if much that ails our society stems from the fact that we have allowed ourselves to be cut off from that love of, and from, the land. It is medicine for broken land and empty hearts.” Robin Wall Kimmerer
The brokenness of South Africa’s story is on so many levels. Our loss of community and our own ability to commune with our-selves.. our disconnection from nature and wilderness, the inner and outer landscapes.. the missing wisdom of elders and our forgotten youth-fullness.. the loss of, and ravenous hunger for, rituals and initiations into other ways of being. And this is not to say that Malawi does not experience similar challenges. We visited a school which has set up a (very basic...) boarding house for girls to help protect them from the violence and dangers they experience walking to school across long distances, sometimes 20km, on foot.
“Among our Potawatomi people, women are the Keepers of Water. We carry the sacred water to ceremonies and act on its behalf. “Women have a natural bond with water, because we are both life bearers,” my sister said. “We carry our babies in internal ponds and they come forth into the world on a wave of water. It is our responsibility to safeguard the water for all our relations.” Robin Wall Kimmerer
The more I talk to other women and really grapple with these questions, the less sure I am of what the solution is. And I wonder if, like Rafisha and Catherine, our deep struggle is in how we re-imagining a sense of being ‘a women amongst women’ and 'being a man amongst men’ without the competition and blame.
In a podcast discussion between Rebecca Traister (feminist and writer for New York Magazine) and Avi Klein (male psychotherapist and clinical social worker), Avi makes an interesting comment:
“…there’s a sense that I have with men, working through some of the behaviors that they’ve engaged in and some of the attitudes that they’ve had, where the shame that they’re really feeling, sadly, is not about how they’re treating women. It’s about how they appear in the eyes of other men. So much of it is motivated by that: about saving face in front of your peers, your friends, your father. One of the quotes of someone I worked with who, in that piece, talks about having a notch in his belt when he thinks about serial cheating on his partner. That’s really about what his friends think of him. It’s not about impressing women. In that way, I think that there’s the shame of not being a man. It’s about where you stand in patriarchy."
To break any story takes immense courage, vulnerability and a deep un-judgemental listening ear, as Rebecca highlights:
"I am very wary about making any pronouncements about who needs to do what in order to gain this forgiveness. But I do think that I completely agree that the crucial part of the process is it being, in part, about the stories of those who’ve been hurt and them being able to communicate, one way or another, to the people who hurt them, “This is what it was like.” So much of what we hear from the men reflects a lack of curiosity about what the experience of having been harmed in some way actually entailed because it might not be the things that they’re imaginatively guessing at and performing.”
Avi: "All you need to do is listen. You just have to listen.”
For me, with this comes the questions ‘What is my responsibility as a woman? What is my role in shifting this story each day and what is my job to carry?’
And for the men in my life ‘How do I no longer engage in your story, without disconnecting myself from you? Because I do love and care for you. Because I understand that it is not easy, but that it must be done.’
And what is our shared responsibility? The rehabilitation and care we are able to offer each other, as best we can, in re-building respect, kindness, honesty and deep listening.
“Each person, human or no, is bound to every other in a reciprocal relationship. Just as all beings have a duty to me, I have a duty to them. If an animal gives its life to feed me, I am in turn bound to support its life. If I receive a stream’s gift of pure water, then I am responsible for returning a gift in kind. An integral part of a human’s education is to know those duties and how to perform them.” Robin Wall Kimmerer
Listen to the podcast here: https://onbeing.org/programs/rebecca-traister-and-avi-klein-metoo-through-a-solutions-lens-dec2018/#audio
Article on violence against women statistics in South Africa: https://albertonrecord.co.za/225326/south-africas-shocking-gender-based-violence-statistics/
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